“This is gonna be awesome.”
These are the words I spoke out loud to my trusty companion Tyler Stevenson as my little Nissan Cube drove down a gravel road towards one of the most infamous prisons in Illinois state. It was a Sunday night and there was threats of rain in the forecast however it had not started just yet. While it was unusually warm that night, the aroma of fake smog filled the air and the night sky was brightly lit with various strobe lights of green and purple decorating the autumn evening. Having lost out on enjoying a haunted house in 2020, this was my first haunted house I was able to take part of since 2018 after missing them in both 2019 and 2020. I was looking for fun, adventure, a scare or two…Halloween is just a few weeks away and by God, I was ready.
Having parked, we walk to the front of the gates where we waited in anticipation for what was going to be in store for us. Within minutes we were allowed inside the gate and lead by an employee down a row as one or two actors dressed like ghouls would scare the few teenage girls, offering to pose for pictures. One ghoul even broke character and said to me he liked my They Live t-shirt.
We got to the gate and waited a few minutes until an employee gave us a breakdown on what we can or cannot do. No touching actors, no taking photos, no food or drink allowed, masks are to be worn…yeah yeah yeah I thought, just get me in and scare the shit out of me please. Do your worse! Scare me! Terrify me! I am all yours.
Like most local haunted houses, the haunted house is split into two parts. The first part is Ghost Chamber and as we walk inside the jail we venture thru a massive cloud of white smoke, blinding our vision. Corpses hang from the air, cobwebs dangle in front of us, an occasional over the top actor would pop out trying to scare the group as we continue to travel and walk thru this maze of monstrosity. Splattered blood covered the walls and sounds of buzzing and screams could be heard in the distance. My demented crooked smile opened wide as I anticipated being frightened. However, that anticipation was left unfulfilled.
Thanks to the pandemic, most of the actors now have to stay a further distance from the attendees and there was far less actors than i have ever seen before at a haunted house. We would pass rooms of black emptiness, waiting for a scare or something creepy to arise and yet nothing would happen. I was more in awe of the tiny jail cells that once occupied murders and rapists. While the attention to detail was fantastic at The Old Joliet Haunted Prison, there really wasn’t much to it. Rooms would be filled with wax creatures or animatronic monsters that unless you are 13 years old or younger, isn’t very scary. And before I knew it, the first part of the tour was over. Wait…really? We are done already? Aside from one creepy moment where a blank wall suddenly flashed a group of ghosts, I was overcome with disappointment. It’s already half over? As Tyler and I looked at each other, I too saw the disappointment in his eyes.
No matter, we were about to go into the next section: The Forsaken. As we walk down a path we were greeted by a kindly employee named Kid who provided us with a gun. Yes dear readers, a gun however this massive machine gun was fake and when you pull the trigger a loud fake gunshot is heard as the gun lights up green. It was now time to kill zombies.
Ok so this section is interesting and I feel that fans of video games like House of the Dead or Resident Evil would possibly get a kick out of this as attendees walk thru an outdoor maze where actors dressed like zombies pop out wearing a head band that when you shoot them the head band glows red and they fall to the ground. Again, if I was 13 years old, I would be going nuts as I was now playing a live action video game. However…I am 45 years old. This was silly. I was not here to act out a scene from The Walking Dead and so this section was also greatly disappointing as well. Even worse, maybe because it was a Sunday evening, there were not many actors…oh sorry, zombies, to shoot. Once someone shot a zombie they lay down dead and the rest of the group walked around like Rambo holding these Laser Tag type guns. Of course, my gun sucked and didn’t work but Kid allowed us to back thru again with working guns. While that was nice of him, the second time around wasn’t any better and both Tyler and myself strolled thru the maze briskly as we just wanted to get it over with.
Once we handed our guns in we walked to an open area where there was a few stands selling drinks, candy, and merchandise. Unless you were craving a Pepsi or Dipping Dots, I was ready to leave, disappointed and unfulfilled. Then it started to rain of course.
While the attention to detail was great with some really cool and imaginative set designs, The Old Haunted Joliet Prison was about as scary as Disney’s Haunted Mansion. Honestly the scariest thing of the night was seeing some girl throw up between two cars who after she was done showing any stranger what she had for dinner, walked in with a toddler in her hand. I guess there really are brain dead zombies in the world.
If you wanna shell out some dough and happen to not take my word, the website to get tickets for the haunted house is: https://hauntedprison.com/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI0Ju-xLHA8wIVo3xvBB2nKwvwEAAYASAAEgKSCvD_BwE
James Klein
